the foggy monocle

A Gentleman Attends a Meeting

For the business gentleman, everyday is an exciting prospect rife with profitable opportunity on the horizon. A typical day involves a morning profit check, a margarita picnic with someone else’s wife, and an afternoon of 18 holes on grassy links followed by 18 ounces of fine mid-west filet ‘o beef and 18 cold beers. However, sometimes the gentleman’s secretary takes the day off, forcing the gentleman to attend the more mundane of business meetings, which can be unbearably uncomfortable.

StockStoker: whats up?
MeetingMan: in some horrible tech meeting
MeetingMan: and i feel hungover
MeetingMan: even though i am not
MeetingMan: but it might be some weird Pavlovian shit
MeetingMan: where like i am always going to these meetings hungover
1:40 PM
MeetingMan: and I’ve done it so much that now when i go to meetings i naturally become hungover
StockStoker:: hahaha
StockStoker: that totally sucks man

Add comment | July 1st, 2008

7287pwkr

GentleLadies Of The Week: Let’s Get Physical…Or Not

 

When pursuing a gentleman, every gentlelady knows that size matters. For years she’s been trained to spot gentleman based on the height of his top hat, the width of his wallet and legnth of his dueling pistol. Thusly, when on the prowl for a rendezvous of the sexual variety, it’s only natural that a well-bred, classy gentlelady uses the same discerning eye and expert groping techniques when evaluating the gentleman’s undercarriage.

 

BrutalLady: hey!

BrutalLady: how was your weekend??

InspectorJunk: hiii

InspectorJunk: ahhhh funny

BrutalLady: do tell m’lady

InspectorJunk: so…on saturday i meet these guys while i’m out and they’re

fun and cute and they want to smoke so im like yaaaah and invite them

back to my place and i end up hooking up with one of them..

InspectorJunk: til i felt his uh, size and let me tell you, he was TINY

InspectorJunk: so i’m like oh crapppp i don’t want to hook up with him now

but i mean, how am i supposed to get out of that situation? so then

hes like “i dont have a condom” so i’m like oh BUMMER guess we cant

have sex, goodnight, SPOON ME.

InspectorJunk: yes, i demanded he spoon me

BrutalLady: AHAHAHAHAHA

BrutalLady: omg

InspectorJunk: much to my surprise he actually left me his # the next morning

InspectorJunk: haha

BrutalLady: too bad he had a little wang

InspectorJunk: i knowwwww and i liked him up until that point…is that awful

of me?! ha

InspectorJunk: also he was tall, fit - i didnt even see it coming!

BrutalLady: so are you going to call him

InspectorJunk: no, i mean, whats the point? its like theres not much to look forward to

BrutalLady: yeah but size isn’t everything right?

BrutalLady: although i guess i wasnt even interested in dating rob til i slept

with him and found out he was huge

InspectorJunk: ahaha preachin to the choir

Add comment | July 1st, 2008

7287pwkr

A Gentleman Lives By A Code

To live as a gentleman is to live by a certain unwritten code of ethics that strives to promote and uphold values of chivalry, honor, and respect of fellow gentleman. It’s the gentleman’s instinct to unconditionally follow this code, as it’s the only way to live a life truly befitting a gentleman. When other, lesser gentlemen dare to disrespect the code of gentleman, its of utmost importance that the offending man be smitted in the most public and brutal way, thus to clearly communicate to the rest of the public that such gruesome disregard for gentleman’s behavior will not be tolerated.

CaptJack: we have a rule here that if you miss the 8:30 meeting due to hangover, you buy donuts. fatty showed up at 9:15 today empty handed. he then refused to take egg orders for the room even though we were going anyway. so he insisted on adding his order to the list, but then not even paying for himself. I was so pissed that i got him his bacon egg and cheese, but I also got him a jelly donut. much like private pile, if we were paying for him, he had to eat it before he got the sandwich. he refused, so there’s now a cold egg sandwich on my desk
BroMan: thats awesome!!! why wouldnt he eat the donut though?
CaptJack: don’t know. it’s still on his desk though. i’m giving him the sandwich at noon, and not sooner.
BroMan: think he’ll heat it up and eat it then?
CaptJack: unknown, but it’s a little awkward. we’re not looking at each other or speaking.
CaptJack: whatever. i’m right
BroMan: wow. the breakup
BroMan: there is a code that a man must live by
BroMan: and he is not
CaptJack: how can you neither buy nor fly when you show up empty handed?
BroMan: weak
BroMan: does he look hungry?
CaptJack: that would mean I had to look at him. he is angry, so he’s probably also hungry
CaptJack: he just went out for lunch…it’s 11:25! ha ha

Add comment | June 30th, 2008

7287pwkr

A Gentleman Sends A Brash Text


When the hour strikes midnight and the mood calls for carnal delights, a gentleman is brash, forgoing the usual small talk and immediately harnessing the sexual tension at hand. Occasionally, however, the gentleman’s blunt words may shock his female target, causing her to turn to folly and deny his delightful request. “Goodness gracious, how could such a subtle creature be so forward?” she wonders, blushing and shaking with nervous energy. Immobilizing shock, yes, yes, would be the only conceivable reason a fair maiden would turn down a gentleman’s enticing advances.

Text Messages
ProwlingGentleman: “Do you want to have sex tonight?”
FormerLadyFriend: “Go fuck yourself and get used to the sensation. I’m over you.”

Add comment | June 27th, 2008

7287pwkr

A Gentleman Goes Whaling

 

For a gentleman the world of romance is much like life at the high seas: fraught with danger! Sometimes, a gentleman’s dashing looks and suave charm do not work in his favor — quite the contrary! — for they attract ladies of all shapes and sizes. When carousing in a late-night watering hole, a gentleman’s glowing good looks can put him in harms way, attracting a tsunami of appealing and unappealing woman. And like a weary whaling ship captain drunk on drink, a gentleman occasionally shoots his harpoon into the murky waters without thought, reeling in a most dangerous beast from the turbulent depths below.

 

CaptainAhab: You need to regulate the girls I take home.

Landlubber: Nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing you going whaling like you did last night

CaptainAhab: You’re an ass

CaptainAhab: This story will stay here

Landlubber: The legend of Moby Dick will travel back home and be told for generations to come.

CaptainAhab: I’d appreciate it if you would stop referring to it as whaling, moby dick, etc.

Landlubber: I’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from harpooning whales when you’re out at the bar with me in the future.

CaptainAhab: I’d appreciate it if you’d go and kill yourself.

CaptainAhab: She wasn’t that fat dude.

Landlubber: I would have done the same in your shoes. But that doesn’t mean I won’t bust on you relentlessly for it.

CaptainAhab: I did wake up thinking what the hell did I do?

Landlubber: It’s been far too long since I woke up with smelly fingers in a pool of sweat, booze and regret.

CaptainAhab: I can’t wait until you hook up with someone that is even remotely large/unattractive/mentally retarded

Landlubber: hahahahahaha

CaptainAhab: because I will ridicule you relentlessly

Landlubber: I know

Landlubber: I might go celibate just to be safe

5 comments | June 26th, 2008

7287pwkr

A Gentleman Is Academic Part 2

There are few things we enjoy more than getting liver-cirrhosingly pissed at a bar and subsequently thrown out, all without losing an ounce of our gentlemen’s dignity. However, bringing two kindred souls together in the sacred bond of a public bathroom blowjob trumps even the latter. Last week, we reported on just that, and today, dear readers, we’re proud to inform you that thanks to that glorious post, a gentleman and a gentlelady were again brought together in the sanctimonious act of public felatio in the hallowed halls of academia.

From: GeniusMan
To: thefoggymonocle@gmail.com
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2008 at 12:07 PM
Subject: thank you thank you

Gentlemen,

Thank you so much for today’s bit of inspiration. I shared the story of academia-head with a lady friend who was quite receptive to the idea. As a bit of a follow up to today’s update I submit:

GeniusMan: read the chat on today’s foggy monocle
RomanticAccomplice: haha
RomanticAccomplice: great stuff
RomanticAccomplice: you know i’ve always thought about how to do that
GeniusMan: whoa, srsly?
RomanticAccomplice: without getting caught and like the best place here
RomanticAccomplice: oh yeah
GeniusMan: cause I mean…
GeniusMan: you know
GeniusMan: the library IS rather empty right now.
RomanticAccomplice: hey it would be a memory
RomanticAccomplice: i wonder if the meditation room is open
RomanticAccomplice: like afer 5 so much is open
GeniusMan: oooh that’s a good place
RomanticAccomplice: and i have a key that gets me in this building
RomanticAccomplice: so hidden rooms are a go
RomanticAccomplice: it summer, so the possibilities are endless
GeniusMan: sweet
RomanticAccomplice: so…
GeniusMan: hey, I’m available
RomanticAccomplice: call me at 5
GeniusMan: will do.

7 comments | June 25th, 2008

7287pwkr

A Gentleman Is A K-9 Enthusiast

 

 

Like the sacred bond shared between young Travis and his yellow mutt companion Old Yeller in the eponymous film, a gentleman shares a similar affinity for his lady friend. And, no matter what rules his landlord lays out pertaining to the housing of mongrels or the taunting he receives from his less than civilized friends, a gentleman will never turn his back on his old girl.

 

KennelMaster: oh… the girlfriend is going to move in at end July

ASPCATaunter: what about the dog?

KennelMaster: she is throwing it away

ASPCATaunter: challenge

KennelMaster: i called the super… he said you’re a good tenant, just don’t advertise it all over the building

ASPCATaunter: HA HA!  that thing’s going to be watching you have sex every time.  it’s going to break you up i bet

KennelMaster: thanks for the encouraging words!

ASPCATaunter: np

ASPCATaunter: but seriously, you hate that thing. 

ASPCATaunter: and you’re not fond of the dog, either. 

ASPCATaunter: zing

KennelMaster: damn

Add comment | June 25th, 2008

7287pwkr

A Gentleman Is Nostalgic

 

Oftentimes, after a particular evening’s festivities prove most memorable, a gentleman will feel inclined to swipe a memento with which to forever remember the joyous occasion. Be it a shimmering trinket or a female’s virginity, the gentleman collects such objects that tickle his fancy and later gazes upon them with a smile on his face and a tug of sentimentality in his heart.

 

From: Late Night Food Gentleman

To: thefoggymonocle@gmail.com

Date: Sun, Jun 15, 2008 at 6:11 PM

Subject: a recent text message i received

 

a recent text message i received from a fellow gentleman.  it was at noon the day after a heavy night of drinking copious amounts of beer and liquor followed by two large pizzas from our favorite pizza joint. it reads as follows:

 

“I found my phone covered in pizza… in my pocket.”

Add comment | June 25th, 2008

7287pwkr

GentleLadies Of The Week: Bacon Jamz

It’s not that a gentleman doesn’t enjoy spending time with his lady friend, it’s just that often times he finds that, aside from bedroom matters, they share no common interests. Should a gentleman meet a lady who does enjoy the finer things in life — say, listening to hip hop slow jamz while downing large slabs of bacon — you can bet the farm that he holds on to her!

GhettoBlaster: i am making a playlist for ipod boombox (it needs a better name btw)

GhettoBlaster: think park/taxi/rooftop/PORTABLE.

GhettoBlaster: please send contributions in any genre.

BaconBeatz: oh word

BaconBeatz: ghostface be easy obv

BaconBeatz: jay z dear summer obv

GhettoBlaster: duh

BaconBeatz: big pimpin obv

BaconBeatz: dead prez - hip hop

GhettoBlaster: that was a life defining moment

BaconBeatz: snoop dogg - ain’t no fun

BaconBeatz: btw i think ipod boombox is good name

BaconBeatz: but you’re right it can be better

BaconBeatz: like…bacon beatbox

GhettoBlaster: oh man

GhettoBlaster: baconbox

GhettoBlaster: dude we could cut out holes for the speakers

GhettoBlaster: and it could be just one slab of bacon on the front

BaconBeatz: hahahah

GhettoBlaster: im making playlists on my ipod

GhettoBlaster: theres bacon rave

GhettoBlaster: bacon raps

BaconBeatz: bacon slow jams?

GhettoBlaster: hah

GhettoBlaster: music to make bacon to

BaconBeatz: makin bacon

GhettoBlaster: oh fuck yeah

GhettoBlaster: is that like bacon love songs?

BaconBeatz: not sure

BaconBeatz: i don’t mix bacon with pleasure

BaconBeatz: bacon is strictly business

GhettoBlaster: yeah if you mix them

GhettoBlaster: you know you might get your heartbroken

GhettoBlaster: associate it with bacon

GhettoBlaster: and man, thats fucked

GhettoBlaster: jay-z hello brooklyn is definitely going in bacon raps

BaconBeatz: i’d kill myself

BaconBeatz: without bacon what else is there?

GhettoBlaster: soy dogs

BaconBeatz: that’s worse than death

BaconBeatz: i am pretty sure celine dion is going to greet me in hell with a tray of soy dogs

GhettoBlaster: and a bathroom with no toilet paper

BaconBeatz: and a mountain of blow but not a drop of alcohol in sight

2 comments | June 24th, 2008

7287pwkr

A Gentleman Is Presentable

When a gentleman is asked to accompany his lady-friend on a social mixing weekend, he makes sure he is on his best behavior. From his manners and etiquette to his physical presentation and conversation skills, everything is impeccable. When asked to join the men folk for a round of 18, a gentleman replies, “I’d be delighted.” When offered a cocktail, a gentleman gracefully accepts. So flawless are a gentleman’s social skills, that even if his lady-friend should momentarily abandon him, leaving him adrift amongst a sea of unfamiliar faces, a gentleman will quickly take the wheel of his proverbial ship, engaging in witty banter with his fellow humanoids as if they’d all been old chums, thus swiftly and fully winning over the now enamored crowd.

CountryClubber: dude I had a bad weekend

UnwantedGuest: yeah?

CountryClubber: got really drunk at an event with Liz’s section at business school

CountryClubber: and I guess made a complete ass of myself

UnwantedGuest: hahah

UnwantedGuest: what went down?

CountryClubber: we were in martha’s vineyard

CountryClubber: I went golfing with these guys

CountryClubber: drank all day

CountryClubber: then they went back to their hotels to eat, nap and shower

CountryClubber: but I forgot where my hotel was at this point, so I ended up at an open bar party and kept drinking

CountryClubber: but that didn’t stop me from talking to everyone

CountryClubber: drinking-wise, no one was at my level

UnwantedGuest: naturally

CountryClubber: i was still in my golf clothes and there was mud all over my legs cause it had been raining

UnwantedGuest: hahaha

CountryClubber: by the time Liz arrived I was not on best behavior

CountryClubber: I mean we are talking me just being a jerk

UnwantedGuest: how so?

CountryClubber: I was drinking straight vodka

CountryClubber: using the woman’s bathroom and screaming while inside

CountryClubber: one of her classmates is named steve

CountryClubber: and they call him serious steve

CountryClubber: and so I kept getting in his face being like why so serious steve? chill out steve

CountryClubber: he wasn’t happy

CountryClubber: Then someone comes up to our group and says it smells

CountryClubber: and I guess I look at him and go, “well I just shit my pants”

UnwantedGuest: wow, it just keeps getting better

CountryClubber: Liz is yelling at me

CountryClubber: she is in tears

CountryClubber: so bad

UnwantedGuest: haha this is so awesome

CountryClubber: no its not

UnwantedGuest: if it makes u feel any better

UnwantedGuest: i was asked to leave a house party this weekend

CountryClubber: that does not make me feel better

UnwantedGuest: hey can I send this convo to thefoggymonocle?

CountryClubber: NO

5 comments | June 23rd, 2008

7287pwkr

Previous Posts